The unforgiven

The title is an old Metallica song. I love it. Not sure if the song is about what I’m about to write. But still it’s an awesome song.

While I’m writing this, I’m not even sure if this post will ever see the daylight. But for me this is so important (yet vulnerable and painful). Crucial! And I know it is for all of us.

I have to admit I can hold a grudge for soooo long. And repeat the pain and hurt someone did to me over and over and over again in my head. Countless times. I’m able relive it so vividly in my mind I get all the same emotions as when it happened. Remembering each detail a bit too well. I get so mad and so sad and angry. And for what? It has been done, it’s in the past. I can’t change it. Can you imagine how much energy this costs me every time I relive it?

And do you also know the saying, what you give attention to grows. So this thing becomes bigger and bigger in my head. And this thing doesn’t belong in my head at all anymore. It weighs me down and it prevents me from moving on. And as long as this big thing is in my head, I don’t have space for new amazing things.

This behaviour is holding me back. This is a serious form of self sabotage. It’s draining my energy and it takes a lot of focus. Both could be used for writing or new adeventures. Because what if I give the fun stuff attention and it grows? I actually could have fun and feel truly free! What? Yes.

To get rid of this stupid toxic behaviour starts with the realization of this behaviour. Ok,check. That wasn’t that difficult. Ehm, actually it was quite difficult, because I’ve done a fair share of this behaviour for years and years before I realised this all.

Then you have let it go. Just like that. And that’s really hard. Because how are you supposed to do that? What I tried is the next thing. I realized that reliving that thing over and over again is a very persistent thinking pattern, wich has a very solid highway in your brains after all those years. What we need to do is break down that highway and build a new high way of a new thinking pattern, something constructive and energizing and make a new solid highway.

So every time I was reliving that hurtful heartbreaking thing, I had to remind myself, to get off that highway, tear it down and build a new high way. A new thought, that creates a new thinking pattern. That could be my next travel, a post I wanted to write, dreaming about the future, about money, about writing books and being a blogger. So that worked, until I stopped trying. But ain’t no stopping me from trying again and again. Just as long as I need to in order to let go.

And you have to forgive. Maybe not for them, but for yourself to move on and let go. You can’t let go until you forgive them. Even though they hurt you so badly and it’s still aching. Forgive them! Do it! But how? I do it when I meditate, because I can’t do it at once. Remember that ancient solid highway? It takes a while to tear that one down. I repeat over and over again. Until I start to believe it and until I start to feel it, until it really happens. The anger will subside and go away eventually.

Forgive yourself. As compassionate as we are for others, so hard we are on ourselves. We are our own worst critics, set the bars insanely high and we get so mad at ourselves if we fail. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for thinking those stupid things. It’s OK, I’m human, I will get by, I will forget, I will forgive.

Lets focus and think more about love and peace and adventures and travels and money and everything we wish for! How do you deal with forgiveness and letting go?

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