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Expectations – #14 Oslo Diary

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Library of the Rijksmuseum. Books make me happy.
Library of the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. You know, books just make me happy.

We all have certain expectations in life. About getting a education, a job, raising a family. There is a certain path you supposed to follow and that should be the recipe to happiness. Welcome to my life! 36, still busy getting a degree, I do have a job, but not the one that makes me happy. A family? I don’t even have a pet. According to my expectations I supposed to be so unhappy. Luckily I’m not! Of course I do have bad days and lately I’ve been missing a partner in my life. But that doesn’t mean my life is miserable.

Since my break up last October I have been in a depression off and on. When I was younger I used to be depressed a lot more often. I’m working on it with help from a therapist and it’s getting better and better. This time it was caused by those standard expectations. Doubting myself all the time. I couldn’t see my potential, that standard expectations don’t work for me.  Not everyone goes from A to B in a straight line and there is nothing wrong with that. even though other people say it is wrong, 36, single and no kids, there must be something wrong with you!

There are so many roads to happiness. And I didn’t know this could be possible on my own terms. Lately I’m getting to understand what makes me happy. Getting more and more comfortable with myself. Books make me happy. I love to run even though my pace is very slow, but who cares? I love to write. I love to challenge myself when I do Crossfit. I like it when I get my studybooks, to see all the knowledge I will pump in my brains. I love the physical needs I have and also embrace the geeky part of me. How awesome is that?

Some people figure it out at a much younger age, some people will never figure it out. Wether you are 18 or 80, discover who you are and what makes you happy. You know what makes you happy, when your eyes start to twinkle, when you talk about it. Easy right? You might try it sometime… 😉

New Year’s Eve – #1 Oslo Diary

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New Year’s Eve? Well, that is when I did something really crazy. No, there was no drinking involved!

Around 11 pm at New Year’s Eve I signed up for my very very first marathon! And the second after I hit the enter-button it scared the shit out of me. What did I do? I signed up voluntarely to run 26.2 miles or 42.2 kilometres. After my two half marathons I always said, that I never ever would run a marathon. That is what I said after my first half and my second half marathon.

Why the hell did I sign up? That’s a very good question. I’m not sure if I know the answer myself, besides the fact if I’m physically capable of running 26 miles. During both of my half marathons everything started to hurt after 12 kilometers, luckily there were only 9 kilometres left. But with a marathon that would be 30 (!!!!!!) kilometres. Do you see the difference? That worries me most. 30 kilometres of pain and hurt. I just don’t know if I can do that. And if my body can handle a marathon training schedule. I don’t know either.

Besides that, I have asthma and even with two kinds of medicines it still holds me back. My lungs are dying when I push myself real hard with running or CrossFit. Judged on the facts it is almost doomed to fail.

But that day before New Year’s Eve it came up a couple of times with several people. It kept lingering around in my head the entire day, the entire evening. I started thinking; what if…? I checked on Google what would be a nice marathon to run. Before I knew it, I was browsing on the Nordic site of Oslo marathon ( I’ve never been to Norway, so this seemed a good reason to go there). I consulted my best friend on the phone, What should I do?. He said; Just do it! If you set your mind to something, it will be done! No matter how you get it done, but you do it. So just do it!

But I still doubted myself so much. Pain & asthma, my two enemies. I’m afraid of them, all the time.

Then it hit me. The only way to know if I can run 42 kilometres, is to train for it and to run it. And the need to know, was suddenly growing bigger and bigger. So at 11 pm I signed up for my first marathon! Save the date: 19th September 2015. 248 days and 15 hours to go.

It won’t be easy, it will be hard and painful, there will be times I wish I never signed up, but I just need to know if I can do it! Hope you bear with me and support me. Help me push through and cheer for me if I cross that finish line. I will keep you posted on my marathon journey.

Oslo here I come!

Natural born runner

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My lovely running shoes!
My lovely running shoes!

We are never too old to learn. I still learn valuable lessons every day and I still struggle to accept them. And I still don’t know if I want to accept them. And I will tell you why.

I honestly hate the fact I am such a slow runner! There, I said it! I run 3 times a week with various types of runs, I still am as slow as hell. Sometimes it is really frustrating, even more when newbes are getting so much faster than me. Yes, I’m jealous of their progress. I really am! I’d wish I was a fast as them. I always want to be the best or the fastest, and I alway hate it whem I’m not. Do I get the best? Am I the fastest? Hell no. Not even close!

There are some legit reasons I will never be a fast runner. My body type is more or less like Gimli the dwarf instead of Legolas, with his long and slender body type. Besides that I am a real asthma patient. I mean really, I’m the geek with two inhalors. But even with my medicines running is still a struggle. I still get out breath pretty easy, even when my legs still feel strong. And it’s not a nice feeling just getting not enough air in your lungs.

So if I don’t have the right body type and if my asthma is really getting in my way, why do I keep running? Day after day, sunshine and sometimes rain. I am committed to my running, I schedule my runs each week. But why?

Because I don’t have choice! I just have to run. Even when I’m not motivated, I just have to run. When I’m tired, in a bad mood, even more tired I just have to run. It’s my me-time, it’s my therapy. I love to run, to set new boundaries, to push myself hard. This is my own game, even if millions of people are faster or better than me. Even if it means I get frustrated every now and then.

I just have to run. 🙂

A lovely chaos

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Life is a blur sometimes. A pleasant chaos, a roller coaster ride, out of control filled with a rainbow of emotions. I still have no big plan, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up and now I’m 33. I make the best of it, each single day. Some days are good, some days are a bad.

But do I do what want to do? Do I have the balls to do what gives me pure joy? I don’t know.

Still I have so many dreams and wishes. It would be nice to make some them come to reality. The point is, I would like to do so many different things. My passion go from A to Z and somewhere in between.

What I need to do is make a plan, to reach one goal at the time. I’m not getting any younger, time to tame the rollercoaster. Time for a rainbow with emotions more planned.

If you have any tips on chasing dreams, please feel free to share with me.

Seriously?

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Simba

I’m on day 13 of my Project 365. Yes indeed, Friday the 13th.  I really don’t care seeing a black cat or walking under ladders. I might just do it on purpose.

Since yesterday I’m having big trouble getting inspired. If I ask people what to draw, I don’t like their suggestions and my mind feels kind of bored. And that’s my flaw, I get bored way too easily. I lose my focus to quick when things are not challenging anymore. And even my muse of today couldn’t help me out.

If I stick it till day 366, that would be the biggest victory in my whole entire life. Because I know it litterally is going to take blood, sweat and tears. And a lot of perseverance. I wonder if I should allow myself to some alternatives in times I really get bored or really don’t know what to draw. I know I made a commitment to myself to draw something everyday, but also has to be fun, challenging and mind blowing.

It’s hard to shape my own projects, because there so many ways to do things right, but what is my way, to things right. The only way to figure that, is to try and keep trying, and than try again.

Well, I’d better get started on day 13.

Small stuff

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Sometimes I have one of those days that it seems life is not meant to be this way as it goes on bad days like this. Most of the times it already begins when I’m not even out of bed. Maybe I had a bad dream or my significant other is being a pain in the butt.

As the day lingers on Murphy’s Law is doing big business. From one thing to the next thing, everything is going wrong. Losing my keys, missing an appoitment, forgetting my wallet at the grocery store. You name it, you probably been there too. On those days I just could cry, just because I hate those days and can’t do anything about it! I can’t stand it.

But at the end of the day there is always something, that inspires me and makes me forget about my shitty day. Most of the times it’s actually the small stuff that makes me laugh my pants off. A silly joke, a new book, maybe even a small home yoga sessions. Then I realize; don’t sweat the small stuff, just enjoy the small stuff.

Namaste