Expectations – #14 Oslo Diary

Library of the Rijksmuseum. Books make me happy.

Library of the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. You know, books just make me happy.

We all have certain expectations in life. About getting a education, a job, raising a family. There is a certain path you supposed to follow and that should be the recipe to happiness. Welcome to my life! 36, still busy getting a degree, I do have a job, but not the one that makes me happy. A family? I don’t even have a pet. According to my expectations I supposed to be so unhappy. Luckily I’m not! Of course I do have bad days and lately I’ve been missing a partner in my life. But that doesn’t mean my life is miserable.

Since my break up last October I have been in a depression off and on. When I was younger I used to be depressed a lot more often. I’m working on it with help from a therapist and it’s getting better and better. This time it was caused by those standard expectations. Doubting myself all the time. I couldn’t see my potential, that standard expectations don’t work for me.  Not everyone goes from A to B in a straight line and there is nothing wrong with that. even though other people say it is wrong, 36, single and no kids, there must be something wrong with you!

There are so many roads to happiness. And I didn’t know this could be possible on my own terms. Lately I’m getting to understand what makes me happy. Getting more and more comfortable with myself. Books make me happy. I love to run even though my pace is very slow, but who cares? I love to write. I love to challenge myself when I do Crossfit. I like it when I get my studybooks, to see all the knowledge I will pump in my brains. I love the physical needs I have and also embrace the geeky part of me. How awesome is that?

Some people figure it out at a much younger age, some people will never figure it out. Wether you are 18 or 80, discover who you are and what makes you happy. You know what makes you happy, when your eyes start to twinkle, when you talk about it. Easy right? You might try it sometime… 😉


Lost that loving feeling – #15 Oslo diary


Me being hip & happy at musicfestival Pinkpop, without any make up, feels naked though liberating

Since May 26th my running has been very minimal, and Crossfit too. Busy with motor racing, getting a mild bronchitis, going to a 3 day music festival. And in between all those activities being exhausted, very exhausted. Oh and of course working my butt off and studying.  Although I have been doing really awesome stuff, it left my body a mess.

In between my bronchitis and the music festival I managed to run my 4th Ladiesrun, it happened to be my fastest 10K. I really have no idea how I pulled that off, but I did it. But afterwards my hip hurt a little bit. When I went for a run again two days later, again my hip hurt. That’s about 9 days ago and I haven’t run a mile since then. And in 3 days I have my next race, 13,5 K. I really don’t know how to pull that off without hurting my hip again.

Next problem is, my back is giving me a hard time. Well, I gave my back a hard time. If I just stand for an hour or so, my back will start to hurt a bit. If I do that for 3 days, you can imagine how my back feels. My body is not in the best shape right now and I hate that. And I know it’s my own fault. This could a minor problem for my next race too.

I really did enjoy the racing and going to a festival, but the long days, lack of sleep tore up my body. How can I do awesome non-athletic stuff and still maintain my athletic plans? If you know the answer, please let me know. I haven’t figured out how to combine those two things, I both really love.

Besides my minor injuries and being tired all the time, I lost my motivation to run 26.2 miles in Oslo. Yeah, that really sucks. Not that I don’t believe I can do it, but I don’t feel the undying urge anymore to accomplish this. Right I feel like, if I don’t do this, it’s okay too. And I honestly don’t know what to do? If I don’t have a goal I can train for, I’m losing the passion and fun for running. I don’t if it’s because I’m so tired, or of my minor injuries, or maybe I just don’t want to do it anymore. I really don’t know.

I could do it, or just don’t. Maybe I should focus on Crossfit, I don’t know. I just don’t know! Help!

First things first. Next Saturday my last race for now. After that recovery and getting in good shape again. Maybe I know soon enough what to do.

Racing the dream – final part?

At the startgrid with my own umbrella boy! ;-)

At the startgrid with my own umbrella boy! 😉 Photo credit: Jelle de Visser

Last weekend was my race weekend. Oh my god! I don’t know how the put it, but it was beyond amazing. I still feel too excited to make this a good quality writing piece, but I will give it a try.

It started Friday with free practice day. We had two dry sessions and then it started raining again. Yes, again. The weather wasn’t good all week, hard wind, cold and a lot of rain. More looked like fall than spring. But we still can’t control the weather, so we skipped the third session, the track was too wet and too slippery. Without rain tires it’s way too slippery and I still don’t like slippery. I hate rain and I hate slippery. The last session we had to do three starts procedure, so we decided to only do the starts in the pouring rain and then off to the pitlane. Despite of the rain I had a wonderful day, because I had a new PR in my second session. I was so excited about that!


Friday free practice Photo credit: Jelle de Visser

On Sunday I woke up being really nervous. The were some pretty fast and serious race ladies on the startinggrid and I’m a real race rookie.  I don’t have that much racing skills and my equipment is a bit challenging. My motor isn’t really build for racing, although if you’re good rider, you can have a lot of fun on the track with my Monster. I’m still not that good, I’m getting better each time though!

Still I couldn’t shake off that feeling, that I just didn’t belong there at the starting grid. I’m not that good and that fast, what the hell am I doing here? I had that feeling before I registered for the race, after I registered and right before the race. Sometimes the feeling was overwhelming that almost took all the fun out of it. Luckily I had a solid, good and sincere group of friens around me, who supported me and gave me peptalks, tips and everything I needed.

Before the warm-up lap my stomach hurt, I really thought I had to vomit in my helmet, I litterally was sick to my stomach. Just nerves, I was so nervous! After the warm-up lap it was better, still nervous, but not as much as before. Being at the starting grid with the umbrella boys was a unique experience. Once the race started, my nerves were gone. I got into the flow and just did what I was thought to do. I finished last. But dead last is beter than not finishing at all. I even got lapped twice by the fastest lady. And you what, I didn’t care.

The ladies competing are way more experienced with much faster bikes. When I see them ride, I mean damn, they’re good! Really good!

After finishing riding to the pitlane waving to all the marshalls (they all wave at you finished the race, just like in the MotoGP) Of course I waved back! I felt like the champ even dead last! I started to cry a bit in my helmet, just of happiness and the tension just left my body. I was so happy and I felt so awesome, that I did what I wanted to do for so long! That feeling of accomplishing a dream is just priceless!

Even if you are not good at it, you just have to have passion for it. I am competitive and I really like to win, but it’s the passion and the love for what I do, that makes me thrive. And even in doubt, keep on going. It will be great and awesome.

Next year again? 😉

Racing the dream part II


Crazy weeks and it’s gonna be even more crazy. I had an another exam and I passed! I still have lots and lots of tests and exams to go, but first things first. Running is going pretty good and CrossFit/weighlifting is going well either! Check!

My motorracing adventure is still in preperation. Still not happy about my laptimes, but I’m making progress mentally and adding some skills. Yes I do have the slowest bike, but I have to be honest, I’m definetely not the most talented rider. Maybe it is even more awesome to pursue something you are just not good at! Or just plane stupid. I haven’t figured out yet wich one. But I do know, you just have to have fun and enjoy whatever dream you’re chasing.

Today I had the entire day of track practice wich intense coaching. Even though my laptimes didn’t improve, I had an awesome day. I gained my confidence on the track, I learned a lot and I had a lot of fun. And that’s the most important thing!

So even if you suck at it, but you like it, DO IT ANYWAY! And don’t let anyone steal the fun from it, even not if it’s you…

Back up – #13 Oslo Diary


I jinxed it! Bragging about how awesome and fast I got with my running. Bam! The next day sore throat and a cold and 10 days a lot of stress and studying. I missed 2 runs in 10 day and running felt heave and not awesome anymore. Worst thing is, I failed that stupid test too. Took a week off from work to study and now it seems a waste of my vacation day. I’m definetely not gonna do that again. I have to be honest, I’ve been in a bad mood for 2 days for not passing that exam. Studied really hard, but maybe not good enough.

Yesterday I did my first heavy run again. It was just a bit slower than my fastest run two weeks ago. So the damage wasn’t that big. Well I guess this is how it goes. With ups and downs. Not just with running, but with everything. And I think we have to remember that taking a step back isn’t the end of the world. And in sometimes you’re becoming even better & stronger after taking a step back.

Ps. Yesterday I took a pictury of my sister’s puppy. I know it has got nothing to do with my writing, but I just love puppies!

#12 Oslo Diary


I couldn’t come up with a proper title for this piece. When I started to write about my marathon adventure, I promised myself to write at least one piece each week, but it seems I can’t keep that promise. And it annoys the crap out of me. I mean writing one piece each week, should be easy to do even for busy bee like me. But no…

Sometimes a day seems to be too short. Sometimes I’m just tired. Sometimes I just want to watch TV. Sometimes I just want to take a nap. And to be honest sometimes I just don’t know what to write. Sorry, but it’s true.

This blog is for fun and I don’t want to feel pressure or guilty when I don’t post stuff on time. I need to remember that at all times.

Oh and besides my whining. My running so going awesome! (knock on wood). My pace is going down gradually and the runs are getting longer! I’m really happy about that! And I’m soooo close to a sub 60 10K! When I run that sub 60, I’ll probably gonna cry! The thought of being so close, makes me actually really nervous. It’s like my Moby Dick and I’m captain Ahab.

But when it happens I will let you know for sure! That’s a solid promise.

Fuel save – #1 Crossfit Diary #11 Oslo Diary


Dear Diary,

I never thought I would ever say this, but I need more food! In the last 10 weeks I lost 4 kilos without any extra effort. My weight has been stable for more than a year. How did I lose that weight? No more hotel dinners three times a week. That’s all it took.

But with those kilos I also lost my power. Couldn’t lift my PR’s anymore at Crossfit. How annoying is that? You know you could lift it and now you can’t.

It got me thinking. The hotel food is fat and the portions are ridiculous big! So I ate a lot and a lot of fat. I don’t mind losing the weight. But how can I keep the muscles and still lose the pounds or stay this weight?

I Googled a lot about fat loss, muscles growth, macronitrients, supplements, what happens with your body when you’re weightlifting or running. I even got more confused than I already was. There’s so much to say about all of this.

If someone really knows about this, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m not sure how to manage my macro’s doing weightlifting and endurance sport. Should I eat more carbs on run days? And more protein on Crossfit days? Sounds logical to me.

I got me a container of protein powder (with a huge discount) with BCAA’s for post workout snack. I also got me some omega 3 pills. I remember eating a lot of fish during my hotel days and I actually never cook fish. For the soreness I maybe get me some magnesium pills. But I won’t take any other supplements.

If anyone could give me some pointers on what to eat or not to eat on run, crossfit or rest days, that would be so great!

Ps. all the food on the photo was just for 3 people……..