Self doubt

This year I noticed I have a great deal of self doubt. Seems as I’m getting older, I’m getting more insecure and more anxious about (new) things. I actually thought it was the other way around. The older you get, the more confident you become. So what’s the deal with me?

To be honest I don’t know! And I really want to know, because I want to feel more confident and believe in myself and know my worth and trust it, to trust myself.

When does the self doubt arises? Actually I’m in the middle of an example of my self doubt. Let me tell about it.

As you know I’ve been training for a while for a sprint triathlon. Well actually a 1/8th. The only difference is the swimming is 500 metres instead of 750 metres. The running and the cycling I can do, but the swimming is an entire different story.

When I started this triathlon journey my swimming level was about just not drowning. And I didn’t like swimming. To get better at it, I took a freestyle swimming course for grown-ups, wich defenitely helped me a lot. My technique improved, I actually felt a bit comfortable in a pool. And that’s really big for me. But what still got and gets in the way is my stupid asthma. Even though my technique improved and all that, I was still out of breath after 50 metres. Wich sucks big time of course. Especially when the goal is to swim 500 or 750 metres in a row.

I started more serious with my swimming at January and in may, I finally was able to swim 6 lanes in a row breaststroke. And a while back I could do four times ten lanes in a row breaststroke. For non-asthma people no big deal, but for me it was huge.

That I still got out of the water dead last at my sprint was hard to swallow even though I expected it to happen. It just doesn’t feel good. I keep comparing myself to other athletes and I keep putting myself down. That I’m a sucky slow athlete. What the hell am I thinking?

Today for example I was so frustrated with my swimming again. I’m following a beginnersplan to improve my technique and stamina. But I had to take longer breaks than I was supposed to and just got so out of breath every time and so tired. I was so done with it afterwards. I actually considered just quitting this whole tri thing.

But I’m not… I will be proud of myself, I will value my efforts, I will cherish my progress no matter how small. Like that Snap song: I’ve got the power!

Ps.: It took me six weeks to write this post… There was some inner battle here, but I needed that time to figure it out or myself.

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