Along the sideline – #16 Oslo Diary


This cute dog has nothing to do with this writing, but she’s so cute! Meet Luna, my sisters dog!

What the hell is wrong with me?

Since a week I’ve been sitting on my ass. No runs, no crossfit, no yoga. Because doc said so. When you are used to train like 5 times a week and that part is suddenly missing from your life, it turns your routine upside down. I have plenty of time after work for my writing, study, making music, but the only thing I do, is being a pro couch potatoe. It seems like not training makes me lazy as hell. Not just with hobbies, but also ordered in food for 4 times last 10 days. Normally I do that 4 times a year.

Besides the fact I’m getting lazy as hell, I’m also becoming very restless and annoyed and frustrated. That’s not good for me, but also bad for the people around me. I act like a caged lion. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I never took so many naps as this weekend. I actually needed those naps, but I wouldn’t mind getting some training done. I honestly miss it a lot! Getting out and sweaty. Getting tired and a bit sore. Just that satisfying feeling of physical activity.

It seems I can’t function normal when I can’t train. Can you relate to this? Or am I just a drama queen? I know I can’t complain. It’s just for 2 weeks, at least I hope so. There are lot of people who can’t train at all for years and years. Not just two weeks. So I do feel blessed, I get to do, what I want to do. And these minor injuries really don’t matter compared to that. So I sit this one out and wait patiently. And I will kick myself in the butt and get busy with writing or study or music.

Go me! Go!


Expectations – #14 Oslo Diary

Library of the Rijksmuseum. Books make me happy.

Library of the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. You know, books just make me happy.

We all have certain expectations in life. About getting a education, a job, raising a family. There is a certain path you supposed to follow and that should be the recipe to happiness. Welcome to my life! 36, still busy getting a degree, I do have a job, but not the one that makes me happy. A family? I don’t even have a pet. According to my expectations I supposed to be so unhappy. Luckily I’m not! Of course I do have bad days and lately I’ve been missing a partner in my life. But that doesn’t mean my life is miserable.

Since my break up last October I have been in a depression off and on. When I was younger I used to be depressed a lot more often. I’m working on it with help from a therapist and it’s getting better and better. This time it was caused by those standard expectations. Doubting myself all the time. I couldn’t see my potential, that standard expectations don’t work for me.  Not everyone goes from A to B in a straight line and there is nothing wrong with that. even though other people say it is wrong, 36, single and no kids, there must be something wrong with you!

There are so many roads to happiness. And I didn’t know this could be possible on my own terms. Lately I’m getting to understand what makes me happy. Getting more and more comfortable with myself. Books make me happy. I love to run even though my pace is very slow, but who cares? I love to write. I love to challenge myself when I do Crossfit. I like it when I get my studybooks, to see all the knowledge I will pump in my brains. I love the physical needs I have and also embrace the geeky part of me. How awesome is that?

Some people figure it out at a much younger age, some people will never figure it out. Wether you are 18 or 80, discover who you are and what makes you happy. You know what makes you happy, when your eyes start to twinkle, when you talk about it. Easy right? You might try it sometime… 😉

Lost that loving feeling – #15 Oslo diary


Me being hip & happy at musicfestival Pinkpop, without any make up, feels naked though liberating

Since May 26th my running has been very minimal, and Crossfit too. Busy with motor racing, getting a mild bronchitis, going to a 3 day music festival. And in between all those activities being exhausted, very exhausted. Oh and of course working my butt off and studying.  Although I have been doing really awesome stuff, it left my body a mess.

In between my bronchitis and the music festival I managed to run my 4th Ladiesrun, it happened to be my fastest 10K. I really have no idea how I pulled that off, but I did it. But afterwards my hip hurt a little bit. When I went for a run again two days later, again my hip hurt. That’s about 9 days ago and I haven’t run a mile since then. And in 3 days I have my next race, 13,5 K. I really don’t know how to pull that off without hurting my hip again.

Next problem is, my back is giving me a hard time. Well, I gave my back a hard time. If I just stand for an hour or so, my back will start to hurt a bit. If I do that for 3 days, you can imagine how my back feels. My body is not in the best shape right now and I hate that. And I know it’s my own fault. This could a minor problem for my next race too.

I really did enjoy the racing and going to a festival, but the long days, lack of sleep tore up my body. How can I do awesome non-athletic stuff and still maintain my athletic plans? If you know the answer, please let me know. I haven’t figured out how to combine those two things, I both really love.

Besides my minor injuries and being tired all the time, I lost my motivation to run 26.2 miles in Oslo. Yeah, that really sucks. Not that I don’t believe I can do it, but I don’t feel the undying urge anymore to accomplish this. Right I feel like, if I don’t do this, it’s okay too. And I honestly don’t know what to do? If I don’t have a goal I can train for, I’m losing the passion and fun for running. I don’t if it’s because I’m so tired, or of my minor injuries, or maybe I just don’t want to do it anymore. I really don’t know.

I could do it, or just don’t. Maybe I should focus on Crossfit, I don’t know. I just don’t know! Help!

First things first. Next Saturday my last race for now. After that recovery and getting in good shape again. Maybe I know soon enough what to do.

Racing the dream – final part?

At the startgrid with my own umbrella boy! ;-)

At the startgrid with my own umbrella boy! 😉 Photo credit: Jelle de Visser

Last weekend was my race weekend. Oh my god! I don’t know how the put it, but it was beyond amazing. I still feel too excited to make this a good quality writing piece, but I will give it a try.

It started Friday with free practice day. We had two dry sessions and then it started raining again. Yes, again. The weather wasn’t good all week, hard wind, cold and a lot of rain. More looked like fall than spring. But we still can’t control the weather, so we skipped the third session, the track was too wet and too slippery. Without rain tires it’s way too slippery and I still don’t like slippery. I hate rain and I hate slippery. The last session we had to do three starts procedure, so we decided to only do the starts in the pouring rain and then off to the pitlane. Despite of the rain I had a wonderful day, because I had a new PR in my second session. I was so excited about that!


Friday free practice Photo credit: Jelle de Visser

On Sunday I woke up being really nervous. The were some pretty fast and serious race ladies on the startinggrid and I’m a real race rookie.  I don’t have that much racing skills and my equipment is a bit challenging. My motor isn’t really build for racing, although if you’re good rider, you can have a lot of fun on the track with my Monster. I’m still not that good, I’m getting better each time though!

Still I couldn’t shake off that feeling, that I just didn’t belong there at the starting grid. I’m not that good and that fast, what the hell am I doing here? I had that feeling before I registered for the race, after I registered and right before the race. Sometimes the feeling was overwhelming that almost took all the fun out of it. Luckily I had a solid, good and sincere group of friens around me, who supported me and gave me peptalks, tips and everything I needed.

Before the warm-up lap my stomach hurt, I really thought I had to vomit in my helmet, I litterally was sick to my stomach. Just nerves, I was so nervous! After the warm-up lap it was better, still nervous, but not as much as before. Being at the starting grid with the umbrella boys was a unique experience. Once the race started, my nerves were gone. I got into the flow and just did what I was thought to do. I finished last. But dead last is beter than not finishing at all. I even got lapped twice by the fastest lady. And you what, I didn’t care.

The ladies competing are way more experienced with much faster bikes. When I see them ride, I mean damn, they’re good! Really good!

After finishing riding to the pitlane waving to all the marshalls (they all wave at you finished the race, just like in the MotoGP) Of course I waved back! I felt like the champ even dead last! I started to cry a bit in my helmet, just of happiness and the tension just left my body. I was so happy and I felt so awesome, that I did what I wanted to do for so long! That feeling of accomplishing a dream is just priceless!

Even if you are not good at it, you just have to have passion for it. I am competitive and I really like to win, but it’s the passion and the love for what I do, that makes me thrive. And even in doubt, keep on going. It will be great and awesome.

Next year again? 😉